The Mariners surprised the sold-out crowd at T-Mobile Park today with all-leather home alternate uniforms to better edge their fans’ playoff division series hopes for one last day in one of the longest playoff games in baseball history.
“The Mariners have been teasing fans with hopes of a real playoff run for 21 years and a chance at the their first World Series appearance for much longer, so we figured we’d take all 47,929 in attendance to the edge of satisfaction and torture them to the best of our abilities at least one last day this season–we know your kinks, Seattle,“ said Mariners skipper Scott Servais, removing his ball gag to speak to media at the top of the 17th inning today. “Hey now, not yet, not yet, but don’t worry: When we finally take our stiletto cleats off your necks and finish this game, the release you’ll all feel will be that much more satisfying.”
While some excited fans standing on their feet for six hours straight were feeling the pain, others were quite satisfied with being teased to the brink of insanity.
“Oh god, we’re so close, step on our first post-season in forever, zaddy,” said longtime Mariners masochist Frank Carlson. “There’s nothing like edging with a sold-out crowd. You could really feel the electricity in the air today, and it’s not just the battery attached to my nipple clamps.”
Following their eventual loss to the Houston Astros in the 18th inning to leave fans begging for more until next year, the Mariners unveiled their new slogan “True to the Blue Balls.”
