After back-to-back weekends of each Lake Washington bridge taking turns with westbound closures, today WSDOT announced that both WB I-90 and WB 520 bridges would be closed this weekend because fuck Bellevue.
“They’ll be closed this weekend because there’s still a lot of repair work crews need to finish on both bridges, but mostly because fuck Bellevue,” said WSDOT spokesman Rick Reinhart. “Westbound lanes will close at 10 p.m. Friday night and will remain closed until Bellevue realizes it’s not better than us. The Hyatt Regency Bellevue is also hosting a King County Republicans event with a Jan. 6 insurrectionist as a keynote speaker, so our traffic engineers just thought the most responsible thing to do this weekend is to keep that fuckin’ shit all the way over there.”
In addition to not giving a general shit about Bellevue, WSDOT says the westbound lanes of both bridges also need to be closed this weekend because fuck Mercer Island.
“I mean, right? Remember when all those rich assholes got vaccines first?” Reinhart said. “Closing both bridges this weekend will allow us to once again sadistically feast our eyes on live social media posts from desperate Mercer Island and Eastside residents trapped for hours in bottlenecked detour traffic wondering how on Earth such an inconvenience could ever happen to them.”
At press time, traffic analysts also warned that First Lady Jill Biden will be visiting the Emerald City this weekend because fuck Seattle.
