As the Nobel Committee announced its annual honors this week, today one local café was awarded the Nobel Peace Prize for being the only downtown coffee shop in Seattle with an open public bathroom.
“For your outstanding commitment to lavatory equity and community relief, we are honored to award the 2022 Nobel Peace Prize to Belltown’s Cafe Gabinetto,” said Nobel Committee spokesperson Guillame Bardoux. “When everyone else callously shuttered their stalls to the public, you stood alone and said, ‘Give me your wired, your over-hydrated, your desperate tourists yearning to pee.’ Now if you’ll excuse me, I would be honored to take a tinkle in the world’s first Nobel Potty.”
As the accolades poured in, the cafe’s owner remained humbled at the recognition.
“I’m honored, but I’m no hero—I’m just a regular guy that believes no one should have to suffer the embarrassment of doing a little pee-pee dance while frantically searching for a public bathroom Downtown,” said café owner Brandon Hall, reading a small, prepared speech. “Throughout history, our most enduring sanctuary has always been the shitter: There, parents escape their children for five minutes, overworked employees squeeze out a meager break, and people on their first dates find a safe place to fart. Somehow, an average Joe like me just got lucky enough to be blessed with a public bathroom key, and I wanted to share that gift with my community.”
Hall now joins a list of other local Nobel winners including Bill Nye for his contributions to middle-school science and “anonymous guy who flashes his high beams at you to let you know there’s a speed trap ahead.”
