After two and a half years of working with no pay increase, today University of Washington staff officially changed their job titles to Head Football Coach so they can afford living in the city where they work.
“I’m pretty sure no one knows what the previously lone UW Head Football Coach looks like,” said registered nurse Walt Peterson, already wearing a visor and flipping through a clipboard like a pro. “Plus, I’m also pretty sure even I could coach the UW football team to a 4-8 record.”
Afraid the staff’s move would cost the university too much and force them to drastically lower the position’s salary, UW Head Football Coach Kalen DeBoer contended he needs every bit of his contract-promised $3 million base salary.
“More than anyone, I totally understand that times are tight for folks,” said DeBoer. “$3 million per year barely covers the upkeep on the Husky sculpture made entirely of butter in my walk-in refrigerator. I just couldn’t hold my head high again without it, especially while knowing WSU’s football coach has an entire walk-in mascot shrine in his fridge cellar made completely out of Cougar Gold.”
Meanwhile, the University of Washington football team is working to accommodate about 27,000 head coaches on the sideline.
At press time, all football players had reportedly also changed their titles to Head Football Coach in hopes of being paid a single cent by a school and sports league set to make millions of dollars this year off of their actual blood, sweat and tears.
