Seattle meteorologists confirmed an additional six weeks of record Pacific Northwest heat waves today after local common gray squirrel Pyrotechnic Pete spontaneously burst into flames.
“Move over Punxsutawney Phil, America has a new rodent-based weather/climate change oracle, and his fiery eruption just signaled that Seattle is going to be hot, hot, hot for another six weeks!” said local weather reporter Rebecca Chauncey. “That means temperatures in the 90s today, but is Pyrotechnic Pete telling us 100 degrees might be on the horizon? Well, this is one crispy critter who can’t prognosticate any more than he already has, but we’ll be sure to monitor the trees next year to see if any more sizzling squirrels can predict another long summer.”
While PNW summer heat usually begins to fade after Labor Day weekend, even the most ardent skeptics were left wondering if the flaming fuzzball might be onto something.
“Record-breaking floods in Pakistan, droughts in China and bodies of water all over the world receding to their lowest levels in centuries is kind of a fluke, but this happening in my own backyard? Maybe climate change really does exist,” said Bellevue resident Paul Armstrong. “It’s a shame, I was really hoping for some rain soon—my lawn is deader than environmental regulations in a Supreme Court decision.”
At press time, a new Pew Research poll confirmed that the incinerated squirrel has already convinced more people of climate change than any scientist ever.
Photo (with changes made) by Anthony Quintano (CC BY 2.0) “Punxsutawney Phil Groundhog Day 2022 Pennsylvania”
