As fall’s arrival kicks off craft beer season, tonight one local man’s ill-advised decision to indulge in a fourth peanut butter milk stout has left him wondering if the sudden pang in his stomach is regret or the early onset of diarrhea.
“Nothing like slurping down a few thick, creamy cold ones on a warm, fall evening. Peanut, butter, milk, and stout—four of my favorite things, what could possibly go wrong?” said Miles Ferguson, taking a sip of his beer when a pang suddenly rumbled through his stomach. “Oh no, much like Icarus, I’ve flown too close to the saison. I better text my wife and tell her I’m sleeping on the couch tonight, because it’s feeling 50/50 this gets ugly.”
A growing problem in the bar scene, local tap houses have long mulled instituting rules limiting consumption of certain beers.
“We’re going to have to start posting a ‘three-milk stout’ limit at the bar from now on because our plumbing just can’t take this anymore,” said taphouse owner Kurt Greene. “Ultimately, I blame myself. I mean Peanut Butter Milk Stout sounds delicious, but as all lactose-intolerant folks know, overindulgence has its price. We can’t have folks racing home in their cars while desperately clenching their butt cheeks. Families live in this neighborhood.”
At press time, Needling reporters waiting in line for the bathroom could confirm that the pang in Ferguson’s stomach was both regret and diarrhea.
