Raucous applause broke out at tonight’s virtual Bellingham City Council special session following a 7-1 vote formally exiling former Bellingham resident Kyle Johnson.
City Manager Whetlande Cormlin-Smatt went on the record before the final vote to say Kyle was given ample time to comply with the Bellingham Charter of 1903, which explicitly states that “names of an unpeculiar and non-ridiculous manner are henceforth prohibited within incorporated limits of Bellingham City.”
When Kyle didn’t change his name to something more sensible like Wolfgang, Hemlock or Rain even months after moving to the area to work at Western Washington University’s I.T. department, Ward 3 resident Tisk Flouter vowed to fight the assault on Bellingham’s heritage.
“We make every effort to help new citizens assimilate — to make sure they blend in with names that could only come out of a Harry Potter book or pharmaceutical naming guide,” said Flouter. “Kyle simply chose to ignore the law.”
Feisty Krumm, who is running for re-election against insurgent candidate Imhotep Bunbauer proposed the motion, which was seconded by Ward 2’s Xonderman Lekker. The only vote against the motion was Ward 4’s Kregsap Millow who thought Kyle should be given community service rather than expulsion.
“You know, he could learn a thing or two from volunteering at Upfront Theatre or the Viking communal bakery,” sighed Millow.
Kyle, loading up his non-hybrid Toyota, had other plans.
“You people are all fucking weird. I’m going back to Redmond.”
