Catch a glimpse of yourself on a Nextdoor post about a suspicious neighbor looking a little paunchier than desired? No problem: Just follow these summer fit tips to look so hot on your neighbors’ Ring camera footage, it’ll literally be criminal.
1. Drink more water. Everyone wants to have the kind of glowing complexion only proper hydration can bring when Deb posts a picture of you walking your dog, lost in your audiobook, jaw loosely agape with the caption “Does anybody know this person?? Very suspicious!!!!”
2. Eat higher fiber foods. Take care of that digestive system, girly! Deb may be a lonely and paranoid retiree whose children stopped speaking to her years ago, but her caption “Constipated and stressed criminal on their way to commit crime???” was just a little bit too accurate, wasn’t it?
3. Eat more protein. A protein boost will put a pep in your step, unlike the last picture Deb posted of you with bags under your eyes as you walked the three blocks back from the closest parking spot you could find with the caption “This used to be a good neighborhood!!!”
4. Have healthy snacks available. A great, energy-boosting snack between meals instead of just absolutely pounding cold brew until 2 p.m. will take the sting out of Deb’s words when she posts a picture of you that says, “Drug fiend seeking a fix????”
5. Go to bed earlier. A solid 8 hours of sleep will help you feel so much better overall. Also, Deb won’t be able to post another picture of you with a dry shampoo patch clearly visible on the back of your head, wearing your Amazon basics office ensemble of questionable cleanliness captioned “911 ON SPEED DIAL!!!!!!!!!!!!”
With these tips, you should not only finally feel confidently put-together as Deb documents your every move, but—should one of Deb’s posts one day ever being taken seriously— be mugshot spotlight ready. Get it, gurl!
