Citing years of complaints about its high rates of crime against coffee beans, Starbucks announced today that this month they will be closing all of its Seattle locations.
“Coffee bean arson, milk and syrup drownings, flavor theft, pre-meditated pumpkin spice latte releases in August—we admit our rap sheet was getting pretty long,” said Starbucks CEO Howard Schultz. “And that’s not even counting our union-busting, which totally has nothing to do with us also closing all the stores in Portland, Los Angeles, Philadelphia and DC too. Seattle and its high standards for the safety of coffee’s integrity has spoken. We’ll take our medium roast coffee crimes to the suburbs where they belong.”
Thousands of local coffee aficionados are still hoping to see the corporation tried for countless coffee burns in the third-degree.
“Those sick fucks,” said Lighthouse Roasters customer Sandy Lawson, sipping a latte made from beans roasted on-site yesterday. “I’m just glad that, once again, our city will be safe from anyone finding out mid-gulp that they’re drinking cremated coffee-bean ashes.”
At press time, The Needling confirmed that although Seattleites were also now safe from visiting friends and family wanting to wait in line at the first Starbucks, they were still not safe from $8 coffee drinks.
