People all over Seattle today were horrified to discover that, hidden amongst last week’s unpopular Supreme Court decisions, was a 6-3 vote that has officially changed the name of Seattle’s famous market to Pike’s Place.
“What the actual f—,” said Belltown resident Jay Wilson as he watched a crane add a neon apostrophe and “s” to what was once the famous Public Market sign this afternoon. “I thought I’d never see a more horrifying sign in Seattle go up than Climate Pledge Arena, but here we are.”
Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas wrote the opinion on the ruling.
“Even though the name has been Pike Place Market for 115 years and literally nobody wants this to change, I’m confident that only I know what market founder Thomas Revelle actually wanted,” wrote Justice Thomas. “Go ahead and protest, see what happens—it’d be a shame if a majority opinion suddenly came down next term to move the Seahawks to Oklahoma City.”
As the court term continued, revelations of several other unpopular decisions began to stack up.
“They even did the unthinkable and raised the price of the Costco Hot Dog Combo,” said political columnist Bethany Parker. “It’s long been thought the $5 rotisserie chicken was settled law, but at this point, anything is possible. And if that’s up for debate, then who knows what’s next? Even the beloved neighborhood of FreeBall might be disbanded.”
Among other unpopular votes rushed last term were 6-3 decisions to replace all the city’s elevators with Light Rail escalators, demolishing Lumen Field to bring back the Kingdome, and replacing the Fremont Troll with the terrifying visage of local right-wing pundit Jason Rantz.
