Demonstrating a zest for life and/or explosions unbeknownst to most humans—many of whom could hardly even muster enough enthusiasm for the Fourth of July this year—a local neighbor of yours seems to somehow reportedly be pretty jazzed about July 5th, 6th and 7th too.
“You would think Canada Day on July 1st, Independence Day on July 4, and Bastille Day on July 14 would be enough to keep up with this month,” said Seattle resident Dan Bostwick, staring with bleary, red eyes at Day 4 of non-stop firework explosions next door. “But apparently there’s something quite magical about every day of July so far. I don’t really know what they’re celebrating in particular today—finding a quarter on the ground? Discovering masturbation? No, that’s not it—otherwise they wouldn’t be out there doing that. I guess every day of life is a gift if you think about it … and manage to find a pair of ear plugs around here somewhere.”
Somewhere in between an exploding green bottle rocket and something that kind of sounded more like a car bomb, Seattle resident Mary Roberts said she also noticed her neighbors unflinching and seemingly endless desire to explode things in celebration of something.
“I mean, I try to be jazzed about every day too if I can get enough sleep,” said Roberts, tucking her dogs in thunderjackets before they hide under beds for the 4th night in a row. “Unfortunately that’s a little hard when your scared pets have been setting off a different set of explosions all over the house since Sunday.”
At press time, all nearby neighbors agreed they hoped the teenage boys still pretty jazzed about July 5th, 6th, and 7th could maybe spend more time on the 8th getting jizzed instead.
