In an unprecedented yet completely foreseeable effort to revitalize Downtown Seattle and the American economy along with it, today a group of compassionate local CEOs officially annexed the business district and renamed the neighborhood ‘South Lake Anti-Union.’
“Seattle’s precious downtown core needs to be brought back to life after being ravaged by a pandemic and—even more so—by a handful of protests advocating for basic human rights,” said Amazon CEO Andy Jassy. “I can’t think of a better way to revitalize this area than by doing away with workers’ rights to organize and thereby several other human rights completely.”
Asked how breaking federal laws created to help the average American meet basic living expenses like food and shelter would help reduce signs of homelessness and increase the numbers of shoppers in the area, Jassy turned the afternoon presser mic over to Starbucks CEO Howard Schultz.
“Look, at first you would think illegally closing Starbucks stores where workers have unionized and making them re-apply for their jobs at non-union sites would be bad for both my business, my workers’ livelihoods and foot traffic that helps the local economy,” said Schultz. “But when you think about what a nice little ego-trip it is for me to do that as a billionaire who’s literally one of the richest people in the world, that ego-centricity trickles down to all of you, enabling you to also rationalize treating anyone who depends on you for their livelihood like disposable chattel. Because that’s the real American Dream right there! And it’s high time we finally just admit it.”
At press time, the CEOs confirmed the only union now allowed in the neighborhood is the esteemed Seattle Police Officers Guild and that a local non-profit would be getting a generous $10,000 donation to completely eradicate homelessness in the next 10 days or else.
