Uber Black. Uber Pool. The ill-advised Uber Lap. The popular ride sharing service has tested the waters with numerous configurations, but the company has finally caved to the overwhelming demands of consumers and devised a new way to draw them away from long-time competitors like Lyft: UberTrunk.
“Gone are the days of fascinating small talk with immigrant doctors, wayfaring ne’er-do-wells and lonely empty nesters desperate for human interaction that populate our driver pool,” said Mark Bines, spokesperson for Uber. “Sure, these drivers have human interest stories that would make an NPR journalist blush, but who wants to dig deeper into the human condition when you could chortle at Corgi memes from the rattling comfort of temporarily encasing yourself in an aluminum coffin?”
The new service provides a fleet of dark vehicles with tinted windows that arrive with a sinister electric hum. The driver window descends as a single black glove emerges and beckons you forth, directing you to the sterile maw of the vehicle’s open trunk.
“We’ve long devised new and innovative ways to cram as many people as possible into the vehicles of our overworked, legally nebulous subcontractors and I think we’ve finally mastered stripping all the humanity away,” said Bines. “We’ve heard you loud and clear: In the immortal words of Billy Ocean, ‘Get outta my dreams, and into my trunk.’”
Hot on the heels of the new announcement, word is Uber is also piloting Uber BunkTrunk, a Pool like setting where riders can share tiered trunk space to save Uber and Uber alone precious, precious money.
