After years of vacillation about whether it should be officially labeled a psychological disorder, the National Order of Psychiatrists confirmed today that they’ve added Mariners fanhood into their DSM-5 diagnostic manual of mental health disorders.
“It’s now officially part of the Cluster M class of depressive disorders that includes both Mariners and Mets fandoms,” said Dr. Marcia Klansky. “After letting themselves get their hopes up every year for no rational reason only to see them dashed to bits, I think it’s pretty undeniable no person still rooting for the Mariners can be regarded a sane individual.”
Although the disorder is no walk in the park, some local residents suffering from Mariners fandom for years say it’s validating for clinical psychologists to agree that they need serious mental health treatment.
“The years of anguish. The hopelessness, the despair … it’s been rough,” said lifelong Mariners fan John Chamberlain. “But, frankly, it’s nice to finally have a name for what I’ve been going through, and I’m even thrilled that I can now put all of this solely on Jerry Dipoto’s shoulders.”
Although studies have shown Mariners fandom renders SSRIs useless, some researchers say there’s some hopeful evidence that rooting for a team that’s at least qualified for a wildcard game sometime in the last two decades can significantly reduce its most depressing symptoms, including Ken Griffey Jr. rumination, projectile dysfunction and T-Mobile Park commemorative Mariners blue balls.
