In yet another sign of economic downturn, a recent report shows 34 percent of Seattle billionaires are currently living paycheck-to-paycheck.
“If things don’t improve soon, I might not be able to finish my new beachfront estate in Oceanside, Oregon in time for my private beach’s annual two-hour July 4 firework show. No, wait, that one is fine—I meant the one on Orcas Island up north. I sometimes can’t keep track of all my houses, especially with all this financial stress of living on only $700 million a month,” said Seattle billionaire Bill Michaelson. “It’s been very difficult for the past few months to feed my family nearly extinct animals every night, pay for my kids’ Teslas, and keep the lights on in at least 12 residences around the country.”
After a year of rising inflation that definitely has nothing to do with corporate greed in the slightest and a sudden onslaught of money-grubbing unionizing from the poors, another local billionaire described the stress he feels now every time he goes out to buy a carton of Fabergé eggs.
“I was standing at the register just panicked thinking, ‘Wait, am I even worth a greater percentage of the national GDP than this entire state? How much do I have left in the account this month?” said Madison Park billionaire Howard Schultz, wiping a tear away. “I checked my account on my phone and it turned out I can’t even afford 7 replicas of Jeff Bezos’s $500 million superyacht. Sure, I can still get by this month on maybe buying another NBA team or two to ruin, but it’s not much. You know, everyone thinks I’m so rich, but technically I only made $1 last year according to my tax return that I paid an accountant to make true for $15 million.”
For those who want to help local billionaires in need, Schultz’s press team is reportedly setting up a billionaire mutual aid GoFundMe for any politicians who want to support their daily expense account with funds that will somehow be used as a future tax write off for him and only him.
