Forces of the First Flagship Bean Battalion are still rejoicing today after claiming a Union victory at the Capitol Hill Battle of Roastery Ridge over the Confederate Starbucks of America say they’re looking to deal their next injurious blow to the profit-hoarding foes.
“When I saw the unanimous victory our compatriots of the East Denny Way regiment scored upon our aggressors with the flick of an iPad, mine own heart did soar that day,” said a wistful Jessica Jimenez, Barista First Class. “Let those who seek to deprive us of fair wages, schedules, and who offer in its stead tchotchkes and one free Frappuccino during every other double-shift know that this aggression will not stand.”
The Confederate Starbucks of America, while still vociferously opposed to the Union cause and controlling over 15,000 of its own garrisons, made note of the unsavory tide of battle.
“Our confederacy of corporate coffee has always been this great nation’s trusted source of scorched libation. We are a gentle monolith who would never surveil or harass the bean jockey partners we hold in such high esteem,” scrawled General Howard Schultz upon a napkin left behind during the retreat. “Alas, the rabble of this most Evergreen State have spoken and we will respect the process and will bargain in good faith.”
At present, the scribe of this dispatch has ordered on yonder DoorDash for an oat milk latte to sate his thirst while watching Ken Burns.
