The Seattle Police Department announced today that they need to significantly ramp up sweeping the city’s overwhelming backlog of documented adult sexual assault crimes under a nearby rug in order to prioritize bigger local safety concerns like kicking homeless people off one street to another street.
“And we’re gonna need a lot of extra money for a bigger rug because we’ve got at least twice as many officers kicking homeless people off the streets than we do at the sexual assault unit,” said Seattle Police Chief Adrian Diaz. “I wish we could spare a couple more officers to solve local crimes other than poverty, but our mandate is to make the city look safer for the news cameras, not actually safer. Priorities, people! If it makes anyone feel better, you can keep perpetuating the lie that the majority of sexual assaults are committed by strange homeless men, even though the exact opposite is true.”
Mayor Bruce Harrell later assured the public that he has spoken with Chief Diaz and is taking the backlog of crimes extremely seriously.
“Chief Diaz has informed me that while they want to help, SPD staffing has been an issue ever since they relocated most of the officers to Schrodinger’s Precinct, where inside the building they paradoxically have endless cops to send to homeless encampments, but no cops to tackle the city’s backlog of sexual assault crimes,” said Mayor Bruce Harrell. “I offered to pop my head in and check on the status of the officers, but he said only police are allowed in. I’ll be honest: It all sounds kind of made up, but a cop told me it was true so I have no choice but to take their word for it.”
Chief Diaz later announced that the SPD would also be looking into pulling the resources necessary to tackle the backlog of police brutality cases from the Office of Police Accountability.
