After the 3rd and Pine bus stop closure single-handedly ended all signs of crime, drug addiction and homelessness in Downtown Seattle a month ago, the City of Seattle announced today it’s now ready to reduce crime in the city even further by moving all bus stops to Queen Anne.
“Sure, it’s a little out of the way for thousands of people who commute to work every day, and that’s a little bit of a climb at the end of the day,” said Mayor Bruce Harrell at an afternoon press conference. “But, as someone who gets chauffeured around in a town car for work every day, that’s a sacrifice I’m willing to tell you to make. There are more important things at stake here like my need to not spend more than five minutes thinking of how to address our growing homelessness, mental health and addiction crisis in any meaningful way.”
Asked how long he had thought out his latest crime reduction plan, Harrell confessed he’d done none at all.
“Oh I don’t do that—I let the fine experts on civility at the Seattle Police Officers Guild do that for me,” Harrell said. “With assistance from KOMO crime and #HomelessIndustrialComplex reporters of course! We already miss all the fine guidance we used to get from Jonathan Choe, and hope he’s onto better things like making it at least a little less obvious he’s a sociopath.”
In related news, the Downtown Seattle Association confirmed it would continue to blame their neighborhood’s lack of foot traffic not on the rise of remote work, a still-active pandemic or the nation’s widening income gaps but homeless people still living around Green Lake.
