Following the Seattle Sounders’ historic achievement as the first MLS team to win the Concacaf Champions League this week, representatives from the Seattle Mariners, Seahawks, and Kraken held an impromptu press conference to congratulate the Sounders for winning their “little jamboree.”
“Well la-dee-da, someone cut up some orange slices and rent out the banquet room at Shakey’s Pizza because it looks like the Sounders won their ‘little jamboree’ last night,” said Art Clemson, speaking for the delegation of Seattle’s other sports teams. “Oh, we’re all so impressed with your sustained success, historic achievements and trophy case overflowing with awards. What is it this time, another weird shield? Some sort of bejeweled “football?” Well, one of our teams won a championship as recently as ten years ago and you don’t see us bragging about it.”
Despite the recent struggles of the other local sports franchises, the three teams assured they were confident in their place in the Seattle sports hierarchy.
“We’ll let the Sounders have their little moment in the spotlight—everyone knows this MLS soccer thing has just been a 15-year fad,” said Clemson. “Besides, we’ve got lots going for us. Yes, the Kraken got off to a bit of a rough start and finished last in their division, but have you been to Climate Pledge Arena? You can eat steak tartare at a hockey game like a weird eccentric billionaire! And yes, the Seahawks traded away the best QB in franchise history, but now we can afford so many more running backs. And the Mariners uh, well…who wants to watch ‘The Double’ on YouTube again? Any takers?”
Not present at the impromptu press conference were the Seattle Storm, who have enjoyed too much success recently to be invited.
