In what many are calling an Earth Day miracle and unprecedented feat of environmental sustainability, today President Joe Robinette Biden Jr.’s visits to Seattle and Portland produced so much hopeless traffic gridlock that the entire Pacific Northwest has officially committed to going carless.
“I knew Biden was going to be in town today, but didn’t know when his motorcade would be on the road,” said former Seattle car owner Nathan Ricks who was trapped on an I-5 express lane for two hours today. “So, I fucked around and found out I never want to be stuck driving in traffic anywhere again. I’ve already donated my car to the Tacoma Dome Robosaurus Food Bank.”
That, reportedly, was exactly President Biden’s reason for visiting the PNW today as he droned on about what a lush National Forest Seward Park is this morning.
“You think they had enough, Jack?” Biden asked an aide to confirm he made enough drivers’ lives a living hell today. “Just to make sure we’ve got everyone over here ready to go fully carless, let me tell you a little more about my days in Scranton.”
Pleased with Washington and Oregon’s commitment to only travel by bike, scooter, public transit or a plane’s shit-tons of aviation fuel, President Biden said he appreciated the area’s promise to so suddenly go carbon neutral.
“I’m holding you to it, folks! Now don’t make me come back there,” Biden said as he boarded Air Force One to leave. “I’ve got a lot on my plate these days, including telling the rest of the country we just freed up another source of oil reserves.”
