Washington state geologists confirmed today that, according to their most recent research study, Mount Rainier definitely won’t erupt at any point during your lifetime, with the possible exception of the very end.
“The Mountain looms so large it can seem like it’s going to blow at any moment, right?” said a smiling State Geologist Casey Hanell pointing to the second-largest peak in the contiguous 48 states. “But actually, even though it’s still an active volcano, we don’t expect Mama Tahoma to erupt and catastrophically change the course of anyone’s life at all ever until, potentially, their very fiery last moments on Earth.”
The hard work of the Washington Geological Survey team comes as a relief to anxious locals who’ve spent years worrying that the massive volcano could explode at any time.
“It really does help reduce my ruminations about when in my life this peak’s pyroclastic force is going to blow a fresh hole in the planet’s surface,” said Seattle resident Allison Gorney. “Now I know I don’t have to worry about how I’m going to outrun a lahar, dodge a tsunami or pose for my ash entombment like those Pompeii people. Because none of that is going to happen in my lifetime, I can officially put it out my mind permanently unless the small possibility of hot magma instantly vaporizing me suddenly materializes at the end of this mortal coil.”
In related news, local politicians assured residents worried about The Really Big One that they won’t have to spend their entire lives worrying about whether the buildings they live and work in are safely retrofitted, only maybe their last few breaths.
