While many 12s are still crestfallen about the departure of Russell Wilson, the pious quarterback said today at practice he is riding high now that his trade to the Denver Broncos ensures he’s now 5,280 feet closer to God.
“When I thought about my future, I knew I had to trade one confused and vengeful father figure for another,” said a winded Wilson, heaving kettle bells in the parking lot of a Denver area church. “Now, with 5,000 or so less feet of atmosphere between me and God, my skyward finger-pointing will reach Him even faster! My prayers for an actual offensive line will be heard in no time! I can already feel His love up here, it’s making me dizzy!”
While Wilson’s heart soars, the closer proximity between signal caller and supreme creator was not exactly embraced by God Himself.
“Russ is one of my finest children, don’t get me wrong. But sheesh, even omnipresent beings need a little space! I just know he’s going to want to talk to me all the time,” sighed God. “He’s gonna be facing an absolutely disgusting division of Mahomes, Herbert and Carr. He has a rookie head coach. An unproven receiving corps! And—wait, did he just walk into this church for the fifth time this week? Christ, that’s him! I’m not here!”
At press time, God was still non-committal on the prospect of drafting Wilson with his first-round fantasy football pick.
