Despite the two intimate years you spent intertwined in each other’s lives, the COVID-19 virus is reportedly not mad that you forgot the two-year anniversary of the nation’s first reported cases last week, and it’s “just fine.”
“When we first met here in Washington state, you said I took your breath away and that it felt like the whole world stood still when I came into your life,” said the COVID virus, pacing angrily through your lungs. “But here we are two years later, and your parents in Florida don’t even know I exist. You told me not to worry—your last pandemic was just some little flu-zey from Spain a hundred years ago. And you know what? I believed you. But now here you are scrambling at the last minute to have your old college pal Joe Biden send out nasal swabs for some pathetic attempt at the ‘cotton anniversary’. Yeah, it’s fine. I’ll be mutating on that little detail for a while.”
While the COVID-19 virus angrily vented at bars, concerts, and hospitals across the country, America made an impassioned plea to keep the toxic relationship alive.
“COVID, baby, no one is perfect—but since I’ve met you, I’ve grown complacent, you’ve mutated, and we’ve all changed,” America said in a desperate attempt to keep COVID around. “What’s important is that I’ve made it my priority to eliminate testing, put children and frontline workers back into harm’s way, and do everything in my power to ensure that you’re going to be part of our lives forever. You and me? We’re unprecedented, baby, and it’s going to stay that way for a long time.”
At press time, the CDC was able to confirm that the It’s Fine variant was likely to become the dominant strain until the Makeup Sex variant takes hold this spring.
