After having nearly everything squeezed out of him, a local lime wedge says that he’s learning how to finally find peace inside of the Corona bottle it doesn’t seem he’s going to escape any time soon.
“At first I thought, ‘Okay, minute now they’ll dig me back out—this is just temporary, right? I’ve still got plenty of juice left and I still want to get back out there,” said the wedge, now so fermented it’s now brewing its own alcohol. “But, at a certain point, I had to take a look at myself and accept the rest of my life is probably going to be carried out inside of this cerveza bottle. So let’s make peace with it!”
The wedge, who’d once hoped to debut at a Margaritaville in Key West and get salted and sucked on by a bikini-clad babe, said he knew something was up when he arrived alongside a meager six-pack at an outdoor corporate office party today.
“I heard someone say ‘let’s party like rockstars’ and before I knew it, I was peel-deep in a piss-yellow beer I didn’t ask to be part of,” Lime Wedge said. “I just sat there and watched them play cards in plastic sombreros for like three hours. If my dreams were dead then, it was clear that theirs died ages ago.”
Instead of moping, the wedge says he plans on writing a memoir about his experience titled “Glass Houses: Living Life Transparently.”
To aid in his writing process, a GoFundMe has been started to buy the wedge a laptop that will be inserted into his new home by a guy who learned how to build intricate ships inside of bottles during lockdown.
