As Russian President Vladimir Putin brought the world closer to World War III Monday night when he officially recognized and sent troops to separatist groups in Europe, weary citizens of the United States of America feared they may finally have to learn where Ukraine is.
“I’ve been fearing this day could come for some time – since the 4th grade at least,” said Seattle resident Josh Erikson, 36, who still thinks Ellensburg and Enumclaw are near each other. “All I want is world peace and to not ever really know where Ukraine is on a map.”
In a show of President’s Day leadership, President Joe Biden assured American citizens he’s doing everything he can to make sure they can remain safely ignorant of where exactly any Eastern European country is.
“Things could be better right now, sure—we never wanted things to get to the point where you actually knew the capital of Ukraine is Kiev,” said President Biden in a statement Monday. “Rest assured we’re doing everything we can to ensure you at least don’t ever have to know where Belarus, Latvia or Estonia are.”
At press time, the White House committed to also protecting Americans from ever finding out that Turkmenistan exists.
