When President’s Day Weekend rolls around, ever find yourself feeling deeply indebted to the souls of Andrew Johnson, Rutherford B. Hayes, or James K. Polk wondering how, if ever, you can honor them enough? Are you doing enough on your ski trip this President’s Day Weekend to uphold the legacies of great men like Bill Clinton, who heroically refused to interfere in the Rwandan Genocide while preying on his interns?
Don’t worry, because there’s no better way to honor an all-but-one white, male class of American leaders than doing the bare minimum this weekend and beyond. Follow the suggestions below and the souls of Grover Cleveland, Millard Fillmore and Chester A. Arthur will surely thank you:
- Is there a crisis boiling between your children or a pair of in-laws? Were you asked to bring Beyond patties in addition to beef ones to your family BBQ? Here’s an idea: Refuse to placate either side by doing nothing. Allow the event to swell into an unnecessary clash of familial discord! James Buchanan would be proud of you for doing nothing to prevent a crisis that eventually leads to a literal Civil War.
- Does your significant other rag on you for “never buying her flowers” or offering “any displays of affection whatsoever?” Why not begrudgingly give her a “bouquet” of dying flowers you picked off the side of the highway? She’ll be thrilled, just like the millions of Americans were thrilled to be generously gifted $1200 in pandemic relief by the Trump administration! Be sure to act like this is some heroic, meaningful act too—she will love that kind of posturing!
- Past the honeymoon phase of a relationship? Avoiding any definition of your relationship and its future? Just bottle that shit up and proceed without expressing your true, shallow intentions! Having no long-term strategy in Iraq and Afghanistan worked brilliantly for former president and current painter savant George W. Bush. Stay indecisive, clueless and wait for someone else to handle this mess of a one-night-stand gone too long.
- Are you about to get an undeserved promotion? Why not impress the big wigs by taking the brilliant sales presentation of your fuddy old predecessor and passing it off as your own? Taking credit for others’ hard work is the American way, and you’ll know that Ronnie Reagan is smiling down (or up) on you for handling it the way he did the Iran Hostage Crisis!
- Is your relationship in its death throes? Are you mortified to meet your partner in person to have an adult, frank discussion about your feelings and solidify the breakup? Just go remote! Lob her lots of cryptic texts, duck her calls, and say you’re too busy to commit to any kind of ground presence as you needlessly prolong the inevitable! The legacy of the Obama administration’s commitment to drone strikes in the Middle East is ironclad, and definitely did not result in scores of civilian casualties. Take a page out of Barry O’s book and go remote!
These are just some ideas to consider for this weekend and beyond. Just remember one thing our fearless Commanders-in-Chief have taught us: When you can do more, always do less.
