Democratic lawmakers announced today that they are officially backpedaling on the original promise of Medicare-for-All, instead opting for the more feasible healthcare option of giving every American ten minutes alone with Joe Biden’s medicine cabinet.
“It’s the closest thing to single-payer healthcare Americans have seen and probably will ever see,” said Biden spokesperson Lisa Walker. “It’s a great compromise for both the majority of Americans who support universal healthcare and Big Pharma who supports the bill as long as there is no free or affordable insulin in the cabinet.”
President Biden gave details on the bill during an evening address to the nation held in his bathroom.
“I’ve got a lot of goodies in here that Americans will love,” said President Biden as he opened his cabinet and shook an expired bottle of Benadryl. “I got half a bottle of NyQuil, Flinstone chewable vitamins, and some good ol’ Carmex. If this is giving any of you heartburn, don’t worry –these TUMS Ultra-Strength Gummies really do the trick.”
At press time, the President was still struggling to loosen the child-proof safety cap on a bottle of Tylenol PM but assured everyone that very soon he’d have it “popped off like CornPop.”
