Despite the first month of the year allegedly being Dry January, an entire month dedicated to not drinking alcohol, evidence gathered from one local woman’s kitchen proves the month is actually just High January.
“It feels really great to cut back every January, I always feel way healthier, man,” said Sarah Mendocino, coughing up a lung while reaching for her second bag of Flaming Hot Cheetos. “It also really gives me a lot of extra spending money, which is actually great because then I always have way more money for weed.”
Sarah also confessed Dry January, which is definitely just High January, is a great excuse to avoid plans with friends who are still drinking.
“I just don’t even want to be tempted to go overboard with stuff I know is unhealthy,” Sarah said while lighting up her third bowl of the day. “Only drawback of Dry January is I always get super anxious for the month—probably because I’m not drinking.”
After finishing her third bowl, Sarah asked us to leave after becoming visibly paranoid and asking Needling reporters if we were part of the DEA.
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If you or anyone else you know needs help with a serious substance abuse or mental health problem, please call the 24-hour Washington Recovery Help Line at 1-866-789-1511.
