As surprise tornado warnings kept Western Washington residents cowering inside their homes today, one Missouri transplant is scoffing at Seattleites’ pathetic inability to drive inside a shearing pillar of wind.
“You should have seen the chaos on the roads today, it’s like people in Seattle have never driven in a violently rotating column of shrapnel-filled air before,” said Teddy Schmidt, spinning through the air while casually taking a sip from his coffee. “Heck, my daughter doesn’t take her tricycle inside for anything less than a category F4 twister.”
While locals in nearby Kitsap County were completely flummoxed by what to do in the extreme weather conditions, Schmidt had some advice for local drivers the next time a tornado warning occurred.
“Contrary to what you might expect, you’re actually supposed to steer into the wind if you’re suddenly sucked into a whirling vortex of death,” said Schmidt, flipping on his wipers to clear the debris on his windshield left by a flattened house. “Sure, it might feel scary at first when you’re flung into the air at 300 miles per hour, but your wheels will get traction again when you finally land two miles away.”
At press time, Schmidt and his car had reportedly not been seen since this afternoon when a gust of wind blew them off of Queen Anne Drive.
