The popular nosy neighbor app NextDoor is buzzing with concern today after a user reported warnings of an alleged pervert in the neighborhood wearing nothing but a top hat and a scarf.
“Last night at approximately 7:30 p.m. I looked out the window to make sure that the suspicious car across the street was adhering to the 72-hour parking limit law when I saw a filthy PERVERT standing outside wearing nothing but a top hat and a scarf!” said Timothy Kline, screenshotting a grainy still of the interloper captured by his Ring camera before posting it to NextDoor. “I immediately called the police, but I’ll never forget how his pale, round body shimmered in the moonlight, his thin stick-like arms outstretched as he mocked me with that degenerate grin etched across his cold, soulless face—eyes black as coal. Also, he was smoking a corncob pipe and that sets a terrible example for the children in the neighborhood.”
As Kline retreated to his Ring video command center to gather more evidence, the watchdog community was already hard at work whipping itself into a frenzy over the alleged intruder.
“Oh, this isn’t the first time we’ve encountered Mr. Frosty Balls – fortunately it always seems so cold his genitalia shrinks to a size too small to be visible, but it’s traumatizing nonetheless. This sicko has been menacing our neighborhood every winter for years,” said an anonymous respondent under the username PettyBetty. “Well, I’ve had enough—this used to be a safe neighborhood! I’m moving to Arizona where this would never happen. Also, I’d just like to point out that there’s been some nearby clothes drives for the homeless asking for winter gear…like scarves and hats?? Seems like these things are connected, I’ll keep investigating.”
Following the impassioned plea to catch the Mr. Frosty Balls, PettyBetty urged users to help by responding to a poll asking what most likely is the cause of this terror: A. Seattle Dying B. Winter C. Sawant.
