Hot on the colorful heels of the Arizona senator’s refusal to attempt even the most basic duties of her elected office, a Capitol Hill woman is being hailed as the next Kyrsten Sinema for her heroic proclamation that she isn’t planning on doing a single thing today either.
“I know that a lot of people at work were counting on me to finish my part of a crucial project today, but I kinda don’t give a shit – just like my hero Kyrsten Sinema,” said Kelly Sternberger, lounging on her couch while enjoying the panic of her work colleagues on the company slack channel. “Watching her navigate the complicated political landscape of Arizona and rise to the heights of United States senator just to go, ‘lol nope, can’t make me do anything’ and then treat herself to a European vacation in the name of ‘fundraising’ while the nation grinds to a halt is just truly awe-inspiring levels of not giving a fuck that I hope to someday achieve.”
While allegations of complacency and corruption continued to swirl around the Arizona senator, Sinema was quick to reassure Democratic voters that she didn’t care if any of you lived or died as long as it didn’t interfere with the prospect of her landing the lofty lobbyist position that awaits her after her plummeting political career ends.
“Look, I know the stakes here: If I don’t show up, the frail infrastructure of this crumbling nation will continue to erode under the inescapable momentum of human-induced climate change, and the feeble legislative Hail Mary hoping to prevent this dies with me,” said Sinema, not tipping for her latte. “That makes me a very important person, and I enjoy that feeling of power more than I care about you. But don’t worry— I’m sure it’s nothing a few wine memes won’t smooth over with my base.”
Whispers later began swirling that a Bellevue man was thought to be the next Senator Joe Manchin after he announced his own plans to take his boat out on a lake and not to do shit today either.
