While advocates for mental health awareness applauded well-intentioned social media efforts on World Mental Health Day, experts warned that just three minutes on the hellish website could nullify years of therapy.
“I logged on to Facebook to post a message of love and support to my friends on Mental Health Day, but within thirty seconds some guy I’ve never met logged onto three separate accounts to tell me to go fuck myself and die,” said Andre Newton, quickly deleting the app from his phone. “Then a guy I knew from high school tried to sell me some black-market whale meat, a plumber I hired to fix my sink three years ago called me a fascist sheep for wearing a mask to my niece’s chemo appointment, and a promoted video from Ted Cruz popped up on my screen. I don’t care how much time you set aside for self care, seeing Ted Cruz’s face without warning is going to set you back on your journey.”
While users en masse were suffering the adverse side effects of exposure to mere minutes on the platform, the social media giant’s creator was quick to shirk any responsibility for the monster he had lost control of long ago.
“The infinite configurations that the English language can be assembled in to create harmful messages on our platform is in no way shape or form the responsibility of Facebook, as long as it remains profitable,” said Mark Zuckerberg, peeling an orange and eating just the rind. “Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to testify at a congressional hearing about the growing number of radicalized neo-Nazi toddlers organizing violent militias in Paw Patrol Facebook groups.”
Facebook later came under fire yet again after a bug in its popular Memories feature began to organically surface the user’s most embarrassing memories and sent push notifications to remind them right as they were about to fall asleep.
