In news which shocked no one, the Angel of Death proudly announced in an annual business review today that the U.S. Annual Mortality Rate has increased by almost 16 percent since the start of the Covid-19 pandemic.
“Going into 2020, we weren’t sure what the year would bring,” Death reported. “Although advances in science and medicine have reduced overall mortality rates significantly in recent years, thanks to our investments in Covid-19, Q-Anon and the GOP, I’m happy to announce our U.S. death count is suddenly up by 700,000.”
Death also praised Facebook and Twitter for doing next to nothing to stem the spread of pandemic and vaccine misinformation to the 45 percent of still-unvaccinated American adults, saying, “we couldn’t have done this without you.”
The Angel of Death said their team is eagerly looking forward to the upcoming holidays where millions of Americans will collectively forgo caution and gather in unvaccinated hordes to exchange a variety of deadly Covid-19 variants. Death is expecting fatalities to be particularly high in red states where vaccines are seen as more un-American than people who remember how basic math works after high school.
“I’ll see you at Thanksgiving dinner!” Death promised cheerfully, “I love Florida in the winter.”
