After conducting an investigation so riveting true crime podcasters are already clawing over each other to tell her story, area Detective Benita Collins confirmed she was able to follow the breadcrumbs from her anxiety attack this afternoon to the ten or so cups of coffee she annihilated throughout the day.
“Hmm, methinks this might have something to do with caffeine,” said Collins after spending her entire morning either shitting or crying. “Now I don’t want to jump to conclusions, but I think I just may have cracked this one. While initially skeptical, it turns out ten cups of coffee, no water, no food, and not enough sleep may have been the suspect after all! However, I would prefer to blame it on a whole slew of things outside my control and not this lovely double-shot lavender latte, so let’s not completely rule out all of those things quite yet.”
Detective Collins was quick to note that despite her eagle-eyed work and hypervigilant mind, she couldn’t have solved the case without her trusty sidekick.
“As always, I certainly couldn’t have unlocked this mystery without Google, who gave me the opposite of reassuring answers whenever I searched ‘heart attack or anxiety attack’ and ‘can you die from caffeine?” Collins said. “Just, FYI, everyone: You totally can. Anyway, if you need help tracing any of your own anxiety and/or panic attacks to their source, you know who to call.”
Meanwhile, Detective Collins says a completely separate investigation into what’s causing her insomnia is far from solved.
