The heads of several drivers stalled in Seattle traffic exploded today after witnessing an asshole drive down to the end of an empty merging lane before zippering into traffic exactly the way traffic engineers have been begging Washingtonians to do for years.
“Look at that selfish asshole speeding right past us as we patiently contribute to one of the most consistent causes of completely unnecessary traffic congestion all on our own,” said Seattle native Ralph Perkins waiting his car. “What an elitist actually using that lane like every college-educated traffic engineer says we should. Everyone knows zipper-merging is witchcraft!”
Afraid of the dark forces within the sinner’s vehicle, those already out of the merging lane did their best to block him out of the flow of traffic.
“As we all learned in first grade class, we all need to line up single file as fast as we can – no cutsies,” Perkins said. “Also no thinking about how this is a freeway, not a school yard, asshole. We do things a certain way here in Washington state and the sooner transplants learn how to block a whole lane while trying to force a merge long before they have to, the better.”
At press time, some asshole state representative who keeps trying to add information about zipper merging to Washington state driver’s education was once again blocked from doing so.
