Today Amazon announced it’s stepping up once again to solve world problems of their own creation by offering, for a nominal fee, deliveries packaged by Certified Humane® “Free Range” warehouse workers.
“For an additional $5 a month added to your Prime membership, we’ll ensure that our Free Range tier of warehouse workers are each allotted two entire square feet of space to slightly move at leisure and a BPA-free bottle to take bathroom breaks in whenever they want,” said Amazon spokesperson Noah Franklin. “We’ve also installed warming UV grow lights within the Free Range zones to simulate the nourishing light of the sun they wouldn’t otherwise be able to see during their 14-hour shifts. Our Certified Humane® conditions currently only apply to a select few of lucky employees while the rest remain exiled to the dank boiler room underneath the warehouse floor, so we encourage our customers to upgrade today if they don’t want that on their conscience.”
Though the program is in its early days, the new delivery model is already a huge hit with conscientious consumers eager to purchase a moral high ground.
“I feel much better now that I have the option to pay more so that a monolithic corporation will finally allow a living being to enjoy a marginally better existence,” said longtime Amazon customer Patty Bueller. “I’ve been worried about warehouse conditions in the past, but with this Certified Humane® sticker, I’m ready to take Amazon at their word that they’re now treating their employees with dignity. My package even came with a fun little card that shows the happy little worker and some fun facts about him. It looks like my dishwashing liquid, wool scarf, and bird seed were packed by a fun little guy named Ernest who likes packaging dishwashing liquid, wool scarves, and bird seed, and dislikes taking bathroom breaks. Wow, sounds like a pretty fun guy!”
Amazon says Free Range worker perks will also include two minutes per shift to enter a “fAm-azon Booth” that allows them to stare dead-eyed at an Echo Dot’s live feed of their loved ones.
