With the nationwide eviction moratorium set to expire tomorrow, landlords across the country are eagerly awaiting the opportunity to complain about a massive incoming surge in local homeless populations that definitely has nothing to do with evicting thousands of families during a pandemic.
“I can’t wait to boot these freeloading families out of my four rental properties so I can finally get back to price gouging baby-faced Amazon transplants and turn my full attention to my true passion: whining about the audacity of homeless people existing within my line of sight on the internet,” said local landlord Barry Lankford. “Word from NextDoor is that someone’s cousin’s brother’s wife in Sacramento personally saw a 200-person caravan of soot-smeared homeless people, all foaming at the mouth, piling into a boxcar with tents and bindles in tow heading north to Seattle leaving a trail of needles and property value destruction in their wake. Man, I better get some more security cameras so I can get some good content for Facebook.”
While most landlords around the country will soon have fresh new homeless people to endlessly complain about starting this weekend, downtrodden Seattle landlords like Lankford have their calendars circled for September 30 when Washington state’s moratorium ends.
“Look, it’s my right to both suddenly jack up rents by $500 this fall and act like my lack of empathy has nothing to do with the subsequent surge in homelessness that I will blame on everyone but myself,” Lankford said. “We need real solutions to the homelessness problem in this city – it’s time for all hands but mine on deck. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to compassionately get back to posting public photos of homeless people in their most vulnerable and desperate moments without their consent or wellbeing in mind at all.”
Lankford says he also plans to focus his complaints on a rise in homeless people struggling with mental health issues while complaining even louder about any effort to fund resources for them.
