Seattle Mayoral candidate Bruce Harrell held a news conference inside the Seattle-based sporting goods store today to blast City Hall for inaction after discovering a staggering number of tents inside the REI flagship location.
“You have my promise that I’ll restore the vibrancy of this once thriving sports and recreation district, and sweep all these homeless tents out to make it safe for families to shop in this proud REI once again,” said Harrell, standing in the middle of the showroom next to a Sea to Summit Telos TR3 Plus Tent. “I’m not sure where all the homeless squatters occupying these tents are right now, possibly out buying drugs, but I vow to ensure that our city’s sporting goods stores, big box warehouses, and high-end recreational boutiques remain open for business and clear of encampments such as these. Now some of you are asking: What if we offer that person housing and they refuse to go? Well, I think there needs to be consequences for that kind of action, like forcibly moving them to a Play it Again Sports.”
Harrell drew a small crowd of supporters who were in favor of a harsher crackdown on the growing number of tents occupying the grounds of the 80,000 square-foot recreational mecca.
“It’s about time someone did something about all these disgusting tents. I used to stroll the beautiful test trails here every day, but now I don’t even feel safe enough to pick up my Discover Pass in person,” said Franklin Moss, resident of the nearby Ascent South Lake Union. “What’s the point of all this exorbitantly expensive gear if it’s not going to price the riff raff out? This used to be a nice place where we could take our kids to shop, but who knows what manner of menace might pop out of all these tents at a moment’s notice. I might have expected this sort of thing amidst the chaos of a Goodwill sporting goods section, but not REI.”
Harrell’s next campaign photo-op will reportedly take him all the way out to Leavenworth, after discovering a large tent community in The Enchantments.
