A startling report published today revealed for the first time that the majority of your 30s will be spent undoing the untold damage that you accrued during your 20s.
“I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but the results of our study are clear: Pretty much every single thing you did in your 20s is gonna cost you dearly the minute the clock strikes midnight on your 30th birthday,” said lead researcher Anthony Santini. “All those shots of fireball you drank? Now you’re only allowed to eat green vegetables that end in a vowel after 1PM. And that Star Wars fanatic ex you dated for five years after college? Our research shows only dating a Trekkie for the next decade can undo that kind of damage, so you might want to get on that.”
While the study painted a grim picture of the 30s, Santini was quick to reassure that the financial and social ramifications of your 20s will pale in comparison to the brutal toll your body accrued in your youth while performing normal everyday activities.
“Unfortunately, we’ve found that your frail, shitty body will also begin to betray you for seemingly harmless decisions you made when you were in college,” said Santini, tossing back an alarming amount of vitamins. “Those cute little stilettos you liked? You’ll be wearing orthopedic shoes by your 34th birthday. And all those pickup basketball games? Now your knees sound like a John Woo movie every time you stand up. Spent time working on your tan at the beach? Don’t worry, I know a good dermatologist. Yeah, you can juice cleanse and do all the yoga you want, but there’s not enough Namastes in the world to undo the time you got really high and ate two and a half stuffed-crust pizzas by yourself.”
Preliminary data gathered in a followup study so far indicate that the majority of your 40s would also be spent undoing untold damage that you accrued while attempting crow pose in yoga during your 30s.
