In what is being declared a major ecological win, local marine biologists have discovered a brand new artificial reef teeming with life just off of Pier 59 borne out of an enormous pile of Seattle Mayor Jenny Durkan’s discarded cell phones.
“Usually it takes decades for an artificial reef to sustain local wildlife at this density, but the sheer size of this pile of taxpayer-funded iPhones hastily tossed into the Sound by Mayor Durkan has brought in wildlife from all over,” said Shelby Colson, Director of Conservation at the Seattle Aquarium. “We’ve seen rockfish, crabs, mussels, and even caught a glimpse of an escaped aquarium octopus. The octopus’ ability to camouflage is so remarkable that as it effortlessly blends in with the iPhone screens you can clearly make out a text message from June 8th that reads ‘gas em up, Bestie!’ on its skin.”
While marine biologists marveled at the sea life inhabiting the new artificial marine habitat, Mayor Durkan initially refuted claims that the reef was made of her disposed iPhones.
“You can’t prove those cell phones are mine, it was the Port of Seattle Commission that ordered those cell phones to be dumped there and I’ll sue anyone that says otherw—wait, everyone is happy about this? Oh well in that case, as environmental champion, yes this was my plan all along and you’re welcome,” said Mayor Durkan, finishing a text before hurling her phone into the Sound. “I’ve said all along that before I left office one of my top priorities was to create a sustainable habitat for our local wildlife, and I’m proud to have accomplished this monumental feat while covering up— I mean, finishing up my term as Mayor of the great city of Seattle.”
City Attorney Pete Holmes, who still denies all claims city leaders are dumping multiple iPhones in the Sound to avoid complying with public record requests, said he will still be suing the octopus for leaking top officials’ text messages on its chromatophoric skin.
