The City of Seattle cemented its longtime reputation as a bike-friendly utopia this week with the addition of a half-mile of dedicated bike lane space that funnels eco-friendly cyclists straight to hell.
“Local bike enthusiasts will be overjoyed to learn that we have a whole new dedicated bike lane for them downtown that suddenly ends in an area that can best be described as a fiery cyclone of death sucking you straight into the underworld if you dare enter it,” said City of Seattle spokesman Hal Clarkson. “Someday we hope to connect this half-mile of carefree cycling with another existing half mile of beautiful, dedicated bike lanes, but until then, just be extra careful navigating the literal gates of hell between them.”
Lisa Perry, local veteran of the hellfire that abounds most of the city’s beautiful bike routes, said she’s excited to have one minute less of fending for her life on her morning bike commute.
“I love the new bike lane! It definitely ends in an area that seems to be the seventh circle of hell, but I know how to get around those no problem,” said Perry. “Much safer than the faded bike sharrows painted on streets that actually are just pointing to one of those tentacled sand-pit sarlaccs Luke Skywalker and his friends barely escape from in Return of the Jedi.”
The fiery pit of despair at the terminus of the downtown Seattle bike route is officially the area’s second portal to hell after the first opened last year at the SeaTac Airport Cell Phone Parking Lot.
