Overcoming an active state of emergency and the valiant efforts of local healthcare workers, COVID-19 made history today after sweeping the ICU Floor Routine competition at the 2021 Tokyo Olympic Games.
“For a moment, it appeared that the citizens of Tokyo would be able to come together and vault past this deadly disease through sheer grit and determination, but at the last moment, the International Olympic Committee provided the springboard that COVID-19 needed to overcome the odds and sweep through the ICU floor of Tokyo’s Nippon Medical School Hospital and onto the Olympic podium,” said Mike Tirico, describing the routine in great detail. “The excitement in the air was contagious as COVID-19 took the floor: Alpha Variant set the stage, laying the foundation with a highly effective routine, but it was a strong performance by Delta that carried the viral load over the finish and into the history books. The healthcare workers of Tokyo put up an admirable effort, but it would ultimately be the adaptable COVID-19 squad that would be leaving Tokyo with three medals before dispersing back to every country in the world.”
While healthcare workers scrambled to respond to the 5,042 new daily coronavirus cases reported in Tokyo, Olympic profiteers hailed the games a giant success.
“You gotta hand it to the IOC and Prime Minister Suga, despite desperate pleas from health officials, protests by the Japanese people, and a number of prominent athletes being disqualified after testing positive, they just ignored all those red flags and went ahead with the games anyways,” said NBC Sports correspondent Susan Taylor. “Critics and naysayers said that it definitely shouldn’t be done. They said that holding the Olympics in the middle of a pandemic was wildly irresponsible and put undue strain on a buckling healthcare system. But against all odds, IOC executives, advertising partners, and America’s 11th favorite streaming network came together to earn an ungodly amount of money. And isn’t that what the true spirit of the Olympic games is all about?”
Despite the obscene amount of money NBC executives made by lobbying to push the games through despite an active pandemic, Olympic ratings were at an all-time low after only seventy-nine people were able to figure out how to watch them on Peacock.
