Seattle’s beloved Ivar’s Clam was found shucked just off Pier 54 today, the latest victim in a long-running, citywide surf-and-turf war.
The violent feud began as a series of pranks that escalated into at least a dozen drive-by tartarings in the late nineties. Spuddy the Cod of Spud Fish ‘n’ Chips was accused of rigging a large salt shaker and pit of warm butter outside the Clam’s front door. The Clam miraculously escaped unscathed, but was later hospitalized after he was mobbed by a gang of seagulls, reportedly hired by Spuddy.
As the years wore on, the Ivar’s Clam received numerous packages filled with upsetting coupons to saunas and steam rooms, as well as mysterious powder-filled envelopes, later determined to be Old Bay seasoning. Meanwhile, the Clam was fingered in a series of gratuitous sushi photos sent anonymously to Spuddy at his home, and a malt-vinegar attack that left the cod overly sour and soggy.
Law enforcement officials say Seattle’s approaching chowder season is likely to blame for this latest round of violence. Police have not identified any suspects in the shucking of the Ivar’s Clam, but sources say they are investigating an anonymous tip that Spuddy was recently seen at Bed Bath and Beyond asking an employee for directions to the “oversized oyster knife” section.
When approached for comment, Spuddy the Fish said, “Glug glug glug” before his lawyer covered him in newspaper and ducked him into the back of a chowder-colored limousine.
