Seattle Kraken fans were crushed today after learning that the team’s ownership, Seattle Hockey Partners, has announced that the fledgling team assembled just yesterday will be moved to Oklahoma City.
“We want to thank the wonderful city of Seattle for all of your support during the 19 hours this team was together, but we felt that the best direction for the future of the franchise was in Oklahoma City,” said team co-owner David Bonderman. “If Seattle really cared about keeping the team around they wouldn’t have put the training facility in Northgate.”
The new team, the Oklahoma City Franchise Pirates, will change its name and logo, but retain the long, storied history of the Kraken, much to the dismay of Seattle’s hockey fans.
“Oh for fuck’s sake, I didn’t even get the tag off my Kraken jersey yet!” said Blake Barlow, week-long diehard Kraken fan. “At least I’ll have all my fond memories of the team, like when they announced that there was a team, when they announced that the team had a name, when Marshawn Lynch said ‘Calle Jarnkrok’, and when I opened the Amazon box with my jersey in it ten minutes ago.”
At press time, Needling reporters were pretty sure this is somehow all Howard Schultz’s fault.
