Following the announcement of cash incentive lotteries for vaccinated citizens, Governor Jay Inslee warned today that the state will also roll out a parallel punishment lottery that will threaten non-compliant citizens with free Mariners tickets.
“They say you catch more flies with honey, but every once in a while you gotta throw a splash of apple cider vinegar in there to show them you mean business—that’s why we’ve decided to threaten the citizens of the great state of Washington with free Mariners tickets,” said Inslee. “We’ve set aside a special non-vaccinated section behind home plate so that Washingtonians who have decided to selfishly shirk their civic responsibility will be forced to watch the subpar on-field product as close to the action as possible, recoiling in horror as the floundering offense gets no-hit for a record-setting third time in one season. Is that what you people want? Well, better roll up those sleeves then, because if we don’t get these vaccinated numbers up so help me God I will start flying fans down to road games at the Oakland Coliseum.”
The new punishment lottery has created a surge in vaccination demand over the weekend, sending non-vaccinated citizens scrambling to find an appointment before the first lottery drawing on Tuesday.
“I scoffed at all the punishment prizes at first, but then I scrolled down and saw the Mariners tickets – I mean damn, apparently Inslee means business this time,” said Brent Hawkins, frantically searching for open vaccine appointments on his phone. “I know I probably should have just gotten vaccinated by now, but free Mariners tickets just seems a little harsh, don’t you think? This must have really got people moving because the next vaccination appointment I could find is two weeks from now at T-Mobile Park. Do you think they’d let me just get my shot and then leave without having to actually watch the game?”
In addition to the free Mariners tickets, other items on the punishment lottery include free rides on the E-Line bus at rush hour, Subway sandwiches for life, and Macklemore’s new golf clothes.
