Hey, it’s Sir Richie, your favorite billionaire. I just wanted to clear up a few things before I suddenly thrust myself to heaven and back so much sooner than anyone initially expected. Contrary to rumors that I’m trying to beat Jeff Bezos’ July 20 space mission by nine days in some kind of juvenile dick-measuring contest this Sunday, I assure you that’s not the case. It’s actually because of something much more serious—something I’ve never openly talked about before and would now like to bring greater awareness: Premature Space Ejaculation Syndrome (PSES).
You may have never heard of it, but it’s actually quite common among billionaire bachelors in their 50s and older. I have it. And, although it may be a laughing matter to some, I think it’s way past time we end the stigma associated with what is merely every aging magnate’s version of buying a giant red pickup with the heaviest set of truck nuts swinging this side of the Mississippi.
That starts this weekend, July 11, for what – despite years of anticipation, fantasizing and build-up—is actually going to be a very quick in-and-out mission into uncharted territory. At least for me. The truth is, I’m just too excited to wait and milk this thing any longer. Some say it might be anti-climactic, but what were you all honestly expecting from the guy who made “Virgin Galactic” a household name? I just want to get my first time in the space saddle over with—give me a break.
I admire Jeff’s relatively tantric ability to withhold popping off the New Shepherd rocket shaft he’s erected. As someone else who also has PSES, it can’t be much easier for him to hold out on ejaculating into space as soon as possible either. Both of us are just running the idea of luxury space travel up the flagpole. Maybe, someday, even you will come with us.
In short, don’t worry about me. Or Jeff. People with PSES can not only survive their condition but thrive, if they do actually survive.
