With rumors swirling since the most high-profile billionaire couple in the world announced their split Monday, Bill Gates confirmed today that the implosion of his 27-year marriage was 100 percent Microsoft Clippy’s fault.
“Oh, he had plenty of little suggestions for my marriage: ‘Looks like you forgot about date night again, Bill. Would you like me to book you both a weekend getaway to hell? Would you like me to order flowers Melinda is allergic to in her least favorite color?’” said an unusually impassioned Gates. “Sure! Sure, Clippy. Goddamnit, he’s useless. I did my best, but 100 percent of this failed marriage is on him.”
But the infamous office aid suggested that he was being cast as a convenient scapegoat.
“Oh sure, everyone blames Clippy for asking the hard questions, but if Clippy don’t ask, then nobody will,” said the paperclip, lighting a tiny cigar and pouring himself a digital scotch. “All I said was, ‘Hi, it kind of looks like your marriage is falling apart. Would you like me to help with a few suggestions?’ Man, I’ve never been Ctrl+Alt+Deleted so fast in my life. And you’re talking to the reigning king of being Ctrl+Alt+Deleted, pal.”
Following the announcement of the mutual marital split, a despondent Gates was last seen moping around his palatial mansion wearing nothing but the Shroud of Turin while eating a Tyrannosaurus egg straight from the shell.
