A fully vaccinated Magnolia man is looking at a hefty repair bill today after releasing a sneeze that he’d been thoughtfully holding in since the beginning of the pandemic, shattering every window in a two-block radius.
“We’ve all been stuck in the house together for the whole pandemic and I haven’t had any time for myself, so I waited til my wife and kids were out of the house, closed the blinds, even set the mood with some candles and those premium 3-ply tissues with the aloe lotion,” said Tony Montgomery, slumped over in a pile of broken glass and mucus. “I thought maybe I’d grind some premium tellicherry peppercorns and have a nice sneeze, but I barely got the grinder out of the drawer before I blew out every window in the house.”
While Montgomery assessed the damage to his home, his neighbors quickly rushed to see what had caused the thunderous commotion.
“I heard this enormous boom so I logged on to NextDoor to ask if anyone had seen any homeless people in the area to blame, but then I looked across the street and saw Tony sweeping up big piles of glass and ooze,” said neighbor Charlene Ford, peering out of her shattered windows. “Then it dawned on me: The long windup, the exaggerated yelling, the earthshaking ruckus. There’s only one thing that’s both that loud and that prolonged – a man sneeze. I had hoped that post-COVID we’d move past the need for these exaggerated aerial ejaculations, but I guess that’s the price we’ll have to pay as society opens back up.”
While the CDC has made recent amendments to its outdoor mask mandate, they later clarified that they recommend that “all you gross motherfuckers still cover your nasty mouths when you sneeze.”
