Seattle Mayor Jenny Durkan revealed for the first time that a year ago today she had quietly dealt with contracting COVID-19 and experienced symptoms including loss of taste, smell and 10 months of cell phone memory.
“I just crossed my fingers that not being able to smell my own bullshit, taste Mike Solan’s asshole or find all public record of text messages on my phone would be temporary, but unfortunately it turned out to be one of those long-haul situations,” said Durkan at an emotional press conference this afternoon. “I certainly wish there was someone who could get to the bottom of what causes this, but our City Attorney Pete Holmes has looked into it and he’s completely stumped about why the virus had this effect on me, Chief Carmen Best and Seattle Fire Chief Harold Scoggins.”
Durkan refuted reports that public record loss of cell phone texts is sometimes caused by narcissistic entitlement, white privilege and being entrenched in corrupt court systems for so long you know every loophole and connection necessary to escape accountability.
“People have no idea how hard this illness is to deal with,” Durkan said sobbing. “First you’re suddenly unable to release unredacted versions of ethics reports. Then you’re putting so much pressure on public records department employees to not do their jobs right that they either quit or are put on unpaid administrative leave to escape your wrath. And then no one but a bunch of stupid journalists even investigates you! This last year has been extremely difficult for me.”
Doctors say it’s hard to know how far along the mayor could be in her healing process as her lack of mentioning anything about the May 25 anniversary of George Floyd’s murder today could either be due to some sort of continued memory loss or such improvement in smelling her own BS she couldn’t stomach the stench of any statement she could give on the subject.
