After months of people calling for her resignation, Mayor Jenny Durkan announced today she would finally do so as soon as she destroys a few more pieces of evidence.
“I know you guys wanted me to resign way back in June of last year and I would have but it just takes so long to cover up all corrupt conversations you’re having with the Seattle Police Department and I want to make sure I’ve properly covered my tracks. I’m a former U.S. District Attorney so I can be kind of a perfectionist about these kinds of things!” said Durkan with a chuckle. “I thought that work might take the rest of my term, but now that I’ve deleted enough texts and emails lawyers and journalists have been asking about via public record requests since June 12, 2020, I think I might be able to skedaddle earlier than previously thought.”
Durkan batted away claims that there might be anything wrong with destroying public records and evidence of how she handled one of the most violent weeks in Seattle’s modern history.
“Whoa, whoa, what I’m doing is just a smaller, local version of Watergate – nothing to see here, folks,” Durkan said. “You want to get a good look at some nefarious behavior? Read up on the two innocent people I locked up in a federal prison’s solitary confinement chambers for months while all Grand Jury court proceedings against them were sealed from public view. If they had just told us a little bit more about some of their friends who cracked a courtroom window, but they just had to be unreasonable.”
Durkan said everyone will know she’s close to finishing her destruction of self-incriminating evidence when they begin to see her lighting the entire city on fire.
